You just can't find women like this anymore.

Today, when I should have been grading papers, I was sitting around wondering: why is Anna Karina so much better than everyone else in the world?

And, so I thought I'd ask all of you:

If Anna Karina were a book, which book do you think she would be?

Are you laughing yet? Because I just peed my pants!

Many thanks to 2nd-favorite-fan-of-mine-across-the-Atlantic for his contributions. (Unfortunately, we have ceased all communication because I am afraid you will think he is funnier than I am and wish you were reading his blog, instead. Dear reader, trust me, he's a jerk in real life. Also, he's horribly disfigured. Not the kind of person you'd want to hang around with.)

But, speaking of inappropriate voiding, which book do you think would be most likely to piss its pants easily once it got laughing hard?




I have a feeling that The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin would just let it all go. A good sense of humor can sometimes be a dangerous thing.

And, now, for the final post compliments of 2nd-favorite-fan-of-mine-across-the-Atlantic:

Which book, having discovered you midway through a suicide attempt, would sigh, shrug its shoulders and offer to help?

The Little Engine that Could by Watty Piper.

Which book would be most likely to think twice before lending you a dollar for a beer [...]

while at the same time would happily sleep on your couch and take a sh*t in your toilet but doesn't flush it properly and then there's just sh*t in your toilet and you're a dollar down on the whole deal?

Middlemarch by George Eliot

(post compliments of 2nd-favorite-fan-of-mine-across-the-Atlantic)

Which book would call on the phone, say "I can't talk for long, as I've got to go to work," and then just ramble on nonsensically [...]

and keep you talking for ages until you just want to scream "Get off my f***ing phone!" ?



William Faulkner's Absalom, Absalom!

This post brought to you by 2nd-favorite-fan-of-mine-across-the-Atlantic. Think about it, people; he has got a point here.

Outraged fan of this blog speaks out!

"I'm a long time listener but first time caller to your programme and I want to know what's going on? Has it really been 7 months since I was asked to consider which book would have the sexiest hidden tattoo? (Incidentally, it's Rabelais' Pantagruel, but believe me, you don't want to know where it's located.) What about an update for your legions of desperate (albeit wholly unvocal) fans?"

---taken from an email I received from a friend, who shall hereafter be referred to as 2nd-favorite-fan-of-mine-across-the-Atlantic

***

Dear 2nd-favorite-fan-of-mine-across-the-Atlantic,

I don't know what to say, other than: I suck. I do. Really, I am a terrible person. People have been telling me this for years, but did I listen? I'm not sure I even know how to change, but, by golly, I *will* try to resurrect this blog. For the sake of the children.

I will begin shortly (you can check back later this evening, in fact) by posting a suggestion or two of yours.

Toodles,
dlb

Which book is most likely to have the sexiest hidden tattoo?

When it comes to intrigue, The Star Cafe takes the cake. The perfect combination of intelligence, aesthetic charm and mystery, this book is sure to have one of those take-your-breath-away-when-you-
uncover-it-for-the-first-time tattoos.
Hats off to you, Mary Caponegro.

If you had to hike the entire Appalachian Trail, which fictional character(s) would you want to accompany you?

No doubt about it, I'd choose Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire from Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. They'd be endlessly interesting, uniquely resourceful and set a determined, yet reasonable pace. (And Sunny could protect us from bears and other critters with her biting.)

If life were a carnival, which book would be the bearded lady?

Ah, the work of Benjamin: alienated and alienating, but overwhelmingly wondrous in its ability to present a glimpse of the miraculous.

When you're feeling blue, which book will sing you gently to sleep?

The sweet, melancholy voice of Everything Yearned For: Manhae's Poems of Love and Longing brings peace and beauty to the most restless of nights.

Which book most consistently beats you at chess?

Neither Bobby Fischer's skill nor his staunch anti-Semitism stands a chance against the Zen art and compassion of The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien, a precisely crafted and mindful commentary on the Vietnam War. . . er, I mean, "police action."

Coming Attractions!

Friends and acquaintances (anonymous or otherwise, excepting those unkind spammers who pretend to "really like your ultra-cool blog" in order to get you to visit their weight-loss pill or penis enlargement or asian child pornography site--yes, you know who you are): I have not vanished. I have only been consumed by a cruel and insatiable job market. Still, I will survive. May my loyal following stay tuned for new (though, perhaps, less frequent) postings in the near future.

Regards,
dlb

Which book is least likely to wear underwear on a regular basis?

Gender Trouble by Judith Butler,
as part of a whole signifying-practice-of-subversive-
repetition-to-deregulate-identity
kind of a thing.

If you slipped while carrying your lunch tray, spilling Johnny-Marzetti down your front , which book would unabashedly enjoy a laugh at your expense?

Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon

...and which book would graciously help lead you to the bathroom, reassuring you (through the room's laughter) that no one noticed?

The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster










The Collected Stories by Grace Paley

Which book is most destined to become your lesbian lover?

Damn! Have you read this? Even if you never realized you had any lesbian fantasies (like you're a gay man so it's hard enough to imagine being a woman, let alone wanting to have sex with another one), pick up Sula by Toni Morrison and I guarantee you'll be moving to Massachusetts where your union will be recognized. You two will live happily ever after with your cats and crewcuts.

Which book is most likely to be that crazy uncle who constantly walks around, demanding, "pull my finger"?

If there's a book that, as it ages, grows more fond of cheap fart jokes, nudie mags, and Natty Light, I imagine it to be The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Sterne. Always a source of entertainment at any family picnic.

Which book would you have been most likely to kick in the balls when you were in grade school together?

Come on. We all know it's true: there's nothing that says "I deserve sharp pain in my privates" better than a book by Ernest Hemingway.

Which book would you have the best sex with?

What's that one book that could give you everything you want sexually? That would know where to touch you, when, and for how long? That would know when to kiss you hard, when to make you laugh, when to tease you and when to give in? My money is on the following.







The Book of Repulsive Women by Djuna Barnes











Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair by Pablo Neruda









Trout Fishing in America by Richard Brautigan

If you were a book, which book would you be?

Which book most embodies you? If all books were being destroyed and you had to memorize the one(s) most worth saving, which one(s) would you memorize? Which book do you most wish you could be (even though you aren't clever or pretty or kind enough to be that book)? Here are some of my top candidates.






The Dhammapada: The Sayings of the Buddha











Of Grammatology by Jacques Derrida










When I was feeling especially silly:
Tender Buttons by Gertrude Stein









When I was feeling especially sexy:
The Pleasure of the Text by Roland Barthes










The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath











Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh