Life as a Book

Which book is most likely to make you a mouth-breather as it belts out a perfect rendition of "Mr. Roboto"?

2010-02-26T16:11:00.005-05:00

It may appear meek on the outside, but you better believe that Sarah Orne Jewett's Country of the Pointed Firs can drink you under the table and still flawlessly hit every note at 80s night karaoke extravaganza. Strongest tunes in its repertoire?: Falco's "Rock Me Amadeus," Phil Collins's "Sussusudio," and Corey Hart's "Sunglasses at Night"

Which book regularly has exploitative sex with its psychoanalyst?

2007-04-24T10:39:00.000-05:00

I can't even begin to list all of the emotional baggage that Samuel Richardson's Clarissa: or the History of a Young Lady (the unabridged version, of course) must carry around inside day after day. For that matter, I can't even begin to list all of the emotional baggage I carry around inside for having read it. Those are weeks of my life I'll never get back.

Hot new writers to check out!

2007-04-03T08:16:00.000-05:00

It is difficult to breathe with this albatross of student research papers hanging around my neck. Friends, [she sighs with exasperation, throwing her hands up into the air] I cannot create like this, I tell you!

So, until I am freed from this burden, read these two books. By the time you finish both and post your responses to them here, I will have finished these papers, guaranteed. Deal?

Praise for Cheryl Strayed's first novel, Torch:

"Torch is a deeply compelling, wonderfully crafted story about a journey into, through, and past grief . . . I loved the honesty of this novel, the way it looked at every aspect of loss and recovery -- the pain, the joy, the absurdity, the anger, the despair, the hope, and the great beauty -- without ever holding back."

---Elizabeth Berg

Praise for Salvador Plascencia's first novel, The People of Paper:

"A stunning debut by a once-in-a-generation talent. I don't know of a young American writer more original, innovative, or intense than Salvador Plascencia. The People of Paper is harrowing and gorgeous, experimental in the truest sense: it creates new means to explore essential and timeless emotional subjects."

---George Saunders

A St. Patrick's Day Tribute: pick your favorite work by or about James Joyce.

2007-03-17T00:01:00.000-05:00

Happy St. Patty's Day, friends. (And, of course, a warm happy birthday to my Grandpa Lee, 1908 - 1999.) To help get us all in the appropriate spirit, I thought I'd share my favorite work about James Joyce, but feel free to jump in with your favorite picks by the infamous Dubliner, too.

I pick the ultra-sexy film, Nora (2000, directed by Pat Murphy, starring Susan Lynch and Ewan McGregor), that explores the intensely emotional and provocative relationship between James and Nora Joyce. I found it sexy enough reading Joyce's work before seeing the film; after seeing it, you'll never be able to read his stuff without conjuring up steamy images of the fiery McGregor and Lynch . . . mmm, yummy.

Really, need I say more? Yowsa!

Which book is most likely to seem witty and hip when you're Instant Messaging and then turn out to be a little creepy when you meet up for drinks?

2007-03-01T08:37:00.000-05:00

I'm not ashamed to admit it: I can picture myself developing quite the online-crush on James Joyce's Finnegans Wake, being impressed by its quick and eccentric written banter, only to be weirded out by its complete lack of social skills in any face-to-face encounter. Suddenly, it'd be that guy who stares really intensely at the middle of your forehead and laughs like a machine-gun after comments you made that weren't intended to be funny.

Growing up, which book would have donned inflatable water-wings far longer than it was developmentally acceptible to do so?

2007-02-13T21:50:00.000-05:00

Remember that one friend you had at the pool who actually insisted on waiting an entire 30 minutes after eating before getting back in to swim because he was convinced that severe cramping would set in otherwise? I can almost picture it: Portnoy's Complaint sitting nervously under a huge shade umbrella, watching the second-hand of the clock while his friends splash him, jeering.

After all, this *is* why we love him so.

If Anna Karina were a book, which book would she be?

2007-02-06T08:17:00.000-05:00

What book does the "smart, sexy and avant-garde" thing better than The Lost Lunar Baedeker by Mina Loy? Be sure to check out the poem "Three Moments in Paris" (you can read Part I here) and, of course, Loy's famous "Feminist Manifesto" (153-56).

You just can't find women like this anymore.

2007-02-03T15:34:00.000-05:00

Today, when I should have been grading papers, I was sitting around wondering: why is Anna Karina so much better than everyone else in the world?

And, so I thought I'd ask all of you:

If Anna Karina were a book, which book do you think she would be?

Are you laughing yet? Because I just peed my pants!

2007-01-30T08:53:00.000-05:00

Many thanks to 2nd-favorite-fan-of-mine-across-the-Atlantic for his contributions. (Unfortunately, we have ceased all communication because I am afraid you will think he is funnier than I am and wish you were reading his blog, instead. Dear reader, trust me, he's a jerk in real life. Also, he's horribly disfigured. Not the kind of person you'd want to hang around with.)

But, speaking of inappropriate voiding, which book do you think would be most likely to piss its pants easily once it got laughing hard?

I have a feeling that The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin would just let it all go. A good sense of humor can sometimes be a dangerous thing.

And, now, for the final post compliments of 2nd-favorite-fan-of-mine-across-the-Atlantic:

2007-01-29T08:14:00.000-05:00

Which book, having discovered you midway through a suicide attempt, would sigh, shrug its shoulders and offer to help?

The Little Engine that Could by Watty Piper.

Which book would be most likely to think twice before lending you a dollar for a beer [...]

2007-01-24T09:01:00.000-05:00

while at the same time would happily sleep on your couch and take a sh*t in your toilet but doesn't flush it properly and then there's just sh*t in your toilet and you're a dollar down on the whole deal?

Middlemarch by George Eliot

(post compliments of 2nd-favorite-fan-of-mine-across-the-Atlantic)

Which book would call on the phone, say "I can't talk for long, as I've got to go to work," and then just ramble on nonsensically [...]

2007-01-23T20:40:00.000-05:00

and keep you talking for ages until you just want to scream "Get off my f***ing phone!" ?

William Faulkner's Absalom, Absalom!

This post brought to you by 2nd-favorite-fan-of-mine-across-the-Atlantic. Think about it, people; he has got a point here.

Outraged fan of this blog speaks out!

2007-01-23T14:10:00.000-05:00

"I'm a long time listener but first time caller to your programme and I want to know what's going on? Has it really been 7 months since I was asked to consider which book would have the sexiest hidden tattoo? (Incidentally, it's Rabelais' Pantagruel, but believe me, you don't want to know where it's located.) What about an update for your legions of desperate (albeit wholly unvocal) fans?"

---taken from an email I received from a friend, who shall hereafter be referred to as 2nd-favorite-fan-of-mine-across-the-Atlantic

***

Dear 2nd-favorite-fan-of-mine-across-the-Atlantic,

I don't know what to say, other than: I suck. I do. Really, I am a terrible person. People have been telling me this for years, but did I listen? I'm not sure I even know how to change, but, by golly, I *will* try to resurrect this blog. For the sake of the children.

I will begin shortly (you can check back later this evening, in fact) by posting a suggestion or two of yours.

Toodles,
dlb

Which book is most likely to have the sexiest hidden tattoo?

2006-03-08T23:25:00.000-05:00

When it comes to intrigue, The Star Cafe takes the cake. The perfect combination of intelligence, aesthetic charm and mystery, this book is sure to have one of those take-your-breath-away-when-you-
uncover-it-for-the-first-time tattoos.
Hats off to you, Mary Caponegro.

If you had to hike the entire Appalachian Trail, which fictional character(s) would you want to accompany you?

2006-01-12T21:35:00.000-05:00

No doubt about it, I'd choose Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire from Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. They'd be endlessly interesting, uniquely resourceful and set a determined, yet reasonable pace. (And Sunny could protect us from bears and other critters with her biting.)

If life were a carnival, which book would be the bearded lady?

2005-10-26T23:00:00.000-05:00

Ah, the work of Benjamin: alienated and alienating, but overwhelmingly wondrous in its ability to present a glimpse of the miraculous.

When you're feeling blue, which book will sing you gently to sleep?

2005-10-13T22:36:00.000-05:00

The sweet, melancholy voice of Everything Yearned For: Manhae's Poems of Love and Longing brings peace and beauty to the most restless of nights.

Which book most consistently beats you at chess?

2005-10-02T19:11:00.000-05:00

Neither Bobby Fischer's skill nor his staunch anti-Semitism stands a chance against the Zen art and compassion of The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien, a precisely crafted and mindful commentary on the Vietnam War. . . er, I mean, "police action."

Coming Attractions!

2005-09-26T19:07:00.000-05:00

Friends and acquaintances (anonymous or otherwise, excepting those unkind spammers who pretend to "really like your ultra-cool blog" in order to get you to visit their weight-loss pill or penis enlargement or asian child pornography site--yes, you know who you are): I have not vanished. I have only been consumed by a cruel and insatiable job market. Still, I will survive. May my loyal following stay tuned for new (though, perhaps, less frequent) postings in the near future.

Regards,
dlb

Which book is least likely to wear underwear on a regular basis?

2005-08-29T12:10:00.000-05:00

Gender Trouble by Judith Butler,
as part of a whole signifying-practice-of-subversive-
repetition-to-deregulate-identity
kind of a thing.

If you slipped while carrying your lunch tray, spilling Johnny-Marzetti down your front , which book would unabashedly enjoy a laugh at your expense?

2005-08-26T10:43:00.000-05:00

Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon

...and which book would graciously help lead you to the bathroom, reassuring you (through the room's laughter) that no one noticed?

2005-08-26T10:26:00.000-05:00

The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster

The Collected Stories by Grace Paley

Which book is most destined to become your lesbian lover?

2005-08-25T14:49:00.000-05:00

Damn! Have you read this? Even if you never realized you had any lesbian fantasies (like you're a gay man so it's hard enough to imagine being a woman, let alone wanting to have sex with another one), pick up Sula by Toni Morrison and I guarantee you'll be moving to Massachusetts where your union will be recognized. You two will live happily ever after with your cats and crewcuts.

Which book is most likely to be that crazy uncle who constantly walks around, demanding, "pull my finger"?

2005-08-24T10:57:00.000-05:00

If there's a book that, as it ages, grows more fond of cheap fart jokes, nudie mags, and Natty Light, I imagine it to be The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman by Laurence Sterne. Always a source of entertainment at any family picnic.

Which book would you have been most likely to kick in the balls when you were in grade school together?

2005-08-23T23:25:00.000-05:00

Come on. We all know it's true: there's nothing that says "I deserve sharp pain in my privates" better than a book by Ernest Hemingway.

Which book would you have the best sex with?

2005-08-23T22:40:00.000-05:00

What's that one book that could give you everything you want sexually? That would know where to touch you, when, and for how long? That would know when to kiss you hard, when to make you laugh, when to tease you and when to give in? My money is on the following.

The Book of Repulsive Women by Djuna Barnes

Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair by Pablo Neruda

Trout Fishing in America by Richard Brautigan

If you were a book, which book would you be?

2005-08-23T11:29:00.000-05:00

Which book most embodies you? If all books were being destroyed and you had to memorize the one(s) most worth saving, which one(s) would you memorize? Which book do you most wish you could be (even though you aren't clever or pretty or kind enough to be that book)? Here are some of my top candidates.

The Dhammapada: The Sayings of the Buddha

Of Grammatology by Jacques Derrida

When I was feeling especially silly:
Tender Buttons by Gertrude Stein

When I was feeling especially sexy:
The Pleasure of the Text by Roland Barthes

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh